The craziest thing I've ever done!
Friday afternoon I went for a walk in Geel forest. The sun is shining and I lie down in the grass to relax and listen to a meditation. I have felt a little beside myself during the day and need to ground myself.
After the meditation I feel light and grounded at the same time. On the way home I start to have regular contractions.
When I get home I sit on the couch with a foot bath with essential oils. I time the contractions and they keep coming regularly with about 7 minutes between them. It hasn't been like this before when I've had contractions. So I call Daniel and tell him about it, but I'm still very doubtful if it can be 'the real deal'
I also call my midwife. But so far she thinks it just sounds like contractions. For the next hour or so, I walk around the apartment. I lie down on the Pilates ball when a contraction comes.
Around 4:30 p.m. Daniel comes home from work. I've gone to bed with a heating pad to try and rest a bit. The contractions are getting stronger, but I'm still not sure if it's the real deal. It's really nice to have Daniel come home. It makes me feel safe and calm. He starts making pancakes. But I want him close, so he sits down next to me and stirs the bowl. Eventually we have to give up on having pancakes. I want Daniel close to me all the time. My contractions are getting stronger and stronger, and during the evening I no longer have any doubts that it's the real deal.
We call my midwife again and give her an update. Afterwards, we order pizza for dinner and try to watch some Netflix in bed. But I find it too distracting, so I slam the computer back on.
As the contractions get stronger, I find it difficult to lie in bed. So I get very little rest during the night and neither of us get to sleep. I change between different positions on the bedroom floor. I'm mostly on all fours or hanging over the pilates ball or the bed and rocking back and forth. I also get in the hot shower. And that's very soothing for me. Daniel is by my side the whole time. He kisses me, massages me and encourages me. It makes an irreplaceable difference for me that he is completely present with me. I feel supported and loved.
Around 4 o'clock we call my friend Isabella and say she can start heading towards Holte. We are hungry, but I don't want Daniel to go anywhere. Around 5:15 Isabella arrives. I am really happy to see her and give her a big hug. At this point I am very touched to feel completely surrounded by love since both Daniel and Isabella are there. It gives me a huge boost.
Isabella goes out and makes us some pancakes. We both get some food, but I can't eat much.
At 7 o'clock we call my midwife again and tell her about the night. She says she will come by and check on us.
Around 9 am on Saturday morning my midwife comes by to examine me. My cervix is gone and I have dilated 2 fingers. I think I thought it would be more after the whole night. She leaves and comes back around 12 am. My contractions have stopped a bit. I am tired after not having slept or laid down all night and need something more to happen soon. My midwife suggests that I either go for a walk or lie down and try to get some rest so I can gather my strength. She prepares us for the fact that it may still take the whole coming night. I am a little surprised when she says that. I am already exhausted and thinking about how we are going to get through another night. I am still in good spirits and not letting it beat me down. I am determined to be in the present and take one step at a time. It has not crossed my mind that I cannot do it. I am thinking more about what is needed.
I can feel that I need to rest, because I know she is right that there is still a long time left. So when the midwife leaves again, Daniel and I lie down in bed and cuddle and sleep a little. Isabella also lies down on the sofa. I get a little sleep between a few contractions. But it is uncomfortable every time I am woken up by the pain from the contractions. I get a shock every time. There are up to 20 minutes between contractions. Because of the shocks, I need to get up. I try to walk around more and stand in other positions to speed up the contractions.
At 2pm the contractions are getting stronger and more frequent and are more intense than they have been before. It is starting to be hard for me to be in contractions and I have difficulty breathing through them. I am tired, I am very upset and want it to stop. This is the first time I feel like giving up. I am crying a lot. I miss my mother. It has also been 24 hours since the contractions started.
Both Daniel and Isabella are a little scared by my reaction. We call my midwife to tell her how it's going and get support. I cry while we talk to her. She says that everything is as it should be and that I'm overwhelmed now because there's been a shift in intensity and that it's completely normal when it starts to get stronger. She tells Daniel and Isabella to breathe with me through the contractions. I lie on the bed with my knees on the floor. It's the weirdest position for me to be in. The midwife says she'll be there soon. She also suggests that I get in the hot shower and try to move more.
It works really well that Daniel and Isabella breathe with me and I find a new good breathing technique to get through the contractions. It feels like a huge victory as I manage to breathe and maintain control throughout the contractions for the first time since they became more intense. I am super proud of myself!
The way Daniel supports me through every pain is invaluable. I don't feel alone in it. I feel like we're doing it together. And it makes a huge difference to me. During breaks, he kisses me and shows me care. Encourages me and shows that he loves me. I mainly stand leaning forward on a door frame now, and the technique works really well for me.
After an hour and a half, however, it starts to become more challenging for me and I can feel that I need something new to happen soon. Daniel and I take a hot bath together. It relieves a little. I ask Isabella to get the tub ready. NOW I want to get in it soon!
At 4:10 PM the midwife comes again. This time she stays. Isabella comes with fries and I sit on the couch and laugh a little while I eat.
At 5pm I get in the tub. It's a relief to get into the warm water and for the first time in a long time I feel like I can relax a bit. But when the contractions come I feel alone in the tub, so Daniel gets in with me. At 5:45pm the contractions subside again. It's nice to be able to relax a bit. At the same time I'm also a little worried. I want it to progress. I want to have the baby soon.
My midwife suggests that I get out of the tub and go for a walk outside. I can feel myself needing something new, so I think it's a good idea. At 6:30 PM I get out of the tub and the midwife helps me get dressed. At about 6:40 PM we take a walk up and down the street outside. I walk from lamppost to lamppost and lean on them during contractions. It's really nice to get outside and only then do I notice how good the weather is. The sun is shining and the weather is mild. It's the first day of spring of the year. After each contraction I think that it's the last one before we go back inside. But I end up deciding to just take one more.
After about 8 contractions, I'm ready to go back in.
I'm really glad I got out. I can feel it doing me good and I did a lot better than I thought I would. I'm still breathing well and have a good flow.
When we get back up around 7:30 PM, the midwife suggests checking me again. But I don't want to yet. While I'm leaning over the couch, some very strong contractions come. The midwife touches my lower back and tells me to "breathe all the way down here". I'm overwhelmed by the pain as I breathe down to her hand. It's the most intense thing I've felt so far.
After the water has been heated again, I get back into the tub while Daniel sits on the floor behind me, holding my arms. This time, I want to be able to fill the entire tub myself.
At 8:30 PM my midwife examines me again. I feel ambivalent about it and am nervous that there is still a long way to go. When she tells me that I have dilated 4-5 cm I feel sad and give up. I think about how I am going to get through this when it is taking so long. I am already very exhausted. Daniel is also disappointed. He is also very tired.
The midwife tries to talk to me about it and help me change my mindset. But she barely has time to say anything before an even more intense contraction comes.
At 8:50 PM the water breaks during a contraction and from there they really start to increase in strength. I get very overwhelmed. Tossing and turning in the water because it's hard to be in my own body. I sit bent over the edge of the tub in Daniel's arms. My midwife tries to get me to breathe with Daniel. But I can't hear his breathing.
I turn over again so I'm lying down in the tub while Daniel holds me in his arms. The midwife breathes with me through each contraction as I look deep into her eyes. She has to breathe clearly so I can see it. All I can focus on is the deep eye contact with her and that's what keeps me on track through each contraction.
At the same time, Isabella sits next to me and I squeeze her hand and slide back and forth in the tub in time with her breathing. It takes everything from me to breathe with my whole body when the contractions peak.
The contractions at this point are the wildest I've ever experienced and I don't know how I would have gotten through them if I hadn't been at home in a safe, calm environment with all the support around me. In a flash, I sense Isabella smiling broadly during my contractions. I can tell from her how proud and impressed she is with how I'm tackling them, and it gives me even more strength and courage to keep going.
Shortly after, the midwife wants to check me again. She says that because the contractions are so intense, she wants to make sure he's doing well in there. I really don't want to be checked and say no. My midwife insists and says she has to to make sure he's okay.
During the next contraction I am so angry at her. We still have eye contact and I think I gave her the biggest killer look. I can’t even imagine having to be examined during such intense contractions. I agree because I know she will only insist on it if it is because it really IS important. She asks if I am ready before, and I say yes. Now she says: “He is right there!”. He is close now and my midwife gets up to prepare a few things for him to come out.
At the same time, the next extremely intense contraction comes and I don't know what to do with myself because I don't have my midwife's eyes to focus on. I call her. But she doesn't come.
Isabella tries to breathe with me instead, but her eyes are not calm and grounded, so they are not a support for me. Again I feel that I cannot be in my body and here I briefly think: “I can’t do it anymore”.
I spontaneously feel the need to turn over so that I am on all fours again and am again very overwhelmed by the contractions. I scream and make deep cries. My midwife comes right away again and at first she cannot make contact with me. So she becomes completely clear and sharp and says: “Nikoline. You have to stay here and do what I say.” She immediately gets me back and I listen to her. During the next contraction, both urine and stool come out. (Very normal!) I can’t control it in any way and I start pushing. Before the next contraction my midwife asks if I feel the urge to push. I say yes. And she says that I will do it. Everything I can.
At this point it has been an hour since my water broke and only about 1.5 hours since I was 4-5 cm dilated. Shortly after, I feel the need to roll over onto my back again in Daniel's arms.
At about 10:15 PM we start to see Laurits' little head peeking out. Isabella, who is sitting next to me and can see it, gets really excited and says: “You can see the head now, Niko!”
The midwife suggests that I put my hand down and feel it myself. So I do that during the next break and it feels quite surreal. It doesn't feel like a head, but more like a hairy soft little lump.
It takes about 3 contractions to push his head out when it starts to show. During each contraction I push as hard as I can and it feels very tight at times. During the breaks he slips back a little. But it doesn't bother me. I know it's just the way it's supposed to be.
Sometimes I need to make a sound while I'm pushing and I shout and scream in ways I didn't know I could. It's liberating and it happens all by itself.
Suddenly his head is out and everyone gets really excited. Now I know he's coming out in the next woe. It's crazy. Finally he's coming.
At 10:30 PM he is born. My midwife takes him in and puts him on my chest right away. My little boy. I am so happy and relieved and proud. Daniel is still holding me in his arms. I look at him and kiss him. It is exactly as I dreamed.
The water in the tub has become cold. So shortly after we get up and lie down on the couch instead. As soon as Laurits came out he started searching. So when I lie on the couch and we wait for the placenta to come out I put him to my chest for the first time.
It takes some time for the placenta to come out. The umbilical cord is a bit short and in the meantime it has turned completely white. We decide to cut it even though the placenta is not out yet, so it is easier to pull it out. Daniel cuts the umbilical cord while Laurits lies at my chest. Shortly after, the placenta is born.
The midwife checks me for tears while Daniel holds Laurits. I have two very small tears. They can be sewn. But they don't need to be. So I decide to leave it alone.
Isabella has cleaned up in the meantime and is driving home. Afterwards I go out and take a rinse in the shower.
My midwife helps us put Laurits' first diaper on. She makes sure we get settled in the bed and that we are comfortable with her walking. She says she will come back tomorrow to measure and weigh him, so we can rest for ourselves now. At about 1:30 the midwife goes home and Daniel, Laurits and I lie in bed together and cuddle.
Now we are a little family ♥
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Nikoline - Mother & artist with a huge love for nature
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